::: blog

It’s Christmas time and that means 1st Presidency Devotional, Adventsingen, and Christmas trees.

I was thinking about last year, though. I was in Hungary, far away from family and with no gifts under any tree. It was still Christmas though, and perhaps even more so. I spent my whole time serving other people and caring more about them than myself.

I want to care about people this year, and make that a focus of my holiday. Christ gave, so should I. But how and what should I give? I am open to suggestions. I’ve written a few ideas below of things that I can do to make this Christmas more centered on Christ. If you have any suggestions, feel free to add them.

My ideas:

• go the soup kitchen and serve meals
• sing carols at the nursing home
• create a reading schedule for the Christmas season focused on Christ’s birth and life
• …

Here are some photos of the Adventsingen and the First Presidency Devotional (if you want to watch it you can, just go to http://www.byu.tv and click on the tab “LDS Church Broadcasts”).

i think i just made a new best friend.

funny thing is that he is a friend from a long time ago.

true, we haven’t always been on the best of terms.

but that is not what is important now.

the words of yesteryear come floating by in waves and frequencies in a phone call. she recalled my love of solitude and affection for loneliness. but now, i am lost in my need for someone else. but now is the time for a return to innocence. this spiral stair case is doubling back on its self. there are new inner caves in need of exploration and passages only large enough for one. new dreams and long hours of hard work ahead of me.

peering over the edge i see greatness. standing on the summit i look forwards and backwards. the mists of the morning are clearing in the heat of the sun.

voice messages left on mailboxes and “off” switches.

All of us have felt something of both union and separation. Sometimes in families and perhaps in other settings we have glimpsed life when one person put the interests of another above his or her own, in love and with sacrifice. And all of us know something of the sadness and loneliness of being separate and alone. We don’t need to be told which we should choose. We know. But we need hope that we can experience unity in this life and qualify to have it forever in the world to come. And we need to know how that great blessing will come so that we can know what we must do.

- President Henry B. Erying, 1st Presidency Message, September 2008 Ensign, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or, the Mormons

sacrifice

transformation

turning and re-turning

rebirth and ressurection

red blood cells, full of life and dying

oxygen, hemoglobin, platelets

this is my heart being dragged on concrete

this is death and dying

inner battles of the mind and heart caught in the breadth of the lungs. feet fleeings and feelings of lost paths. the wildflowers taunt me. the lychen encourage me. the rocks scare me. i am left to wonder and to wander. where is the pile of rocks, left behind by those who have gone before? is there something wrong with my vision?

“when one door closes, somewhere a window opens” they say — but what if there is neither door nor window in the out-doors? what if being lost is a matter of not knowing where the exit sign is? what if my reading fails to reveal the messages written between the lines? what if…? what if…?

i am suffocating. i am drowning. i need a breath of fresh air.

where does this all come from? who is doing this? and when will it all make more sense to me? i am left to wounder and to want. waiting.

patience, faith, love, charity

these i need more then sleep. more than food. more than shoes.

today i walked barefoot on pavement. today i waked over dead plants. today i walked in search of time tables and important numbers.

predictability and patterns.

adam* gave me a ride home. adam studies electricity. adam speaks tagalic. adam is going to the tanner building. adam was nice. adam gave me a ride home.

if i tell you a secret, will it still be a secret? if i give away the ending, will it still be worth discovering? if i discover the cure, would it solve the problem.

reading i am distracted. reading i learn little. reading i am thinking of other things. reading i am touching toes.

hands on my back. hands on my head. hands.

hand-me-downs.

these are words collected. there is so much to say. time is slipping away. when will it come back this way?

i wish i had a clue. i wish i was brave and smart. i wish i was the answer. i wish i knew my part.

sore-throat sickness. on the verge of something.

failed attempts at watching words of wisdom from a man who hits the high notes. hopes for rebroadcast.

these are my evening ramblings. these are my thoughts disorganized. these are my collective. these are words combined.

_{(*mo knows adam)}

this is us

this is all of our conversations

this is us reading a book

this is us asleep

this is us eating lunch, breakfast, and dinner

this is driving a car

this is us dancing

this is us listening to music

this is us looking in the mirror

this is us doing homework

this is us taking a nap

this is us making a mix

this is us burning a cd

this is us studying

this is us practicing french

this is us reading in hungarian

this is us

so, for my birthday we went up to rock canyon and had a small bonfire.

i asked my mom to tell the birthing story, which she did. after that i gave a year in review and asked everyone present for advice. here is what they said:

get a dog

• get a dog, they are the right blend of fun and responsibility
• history is the key to satisfaction if you have a dog
• “never be satisfied with where you are.” -tobby the dog

seriously

• “take life and people seriously, having more fun because of it” -c.s.lewis

on plans

• “ember tervez, Isten végez.”
• what man plans, God finishes.
• find out what God wants for you to do.

signs from God

• enjoying the moment, and find your own Alaskan whales in your sea of distress
• good memories of the past, preparing for the future, living in the present

what is, what ought

• what is, is perfect, what is, what ought to be
• the troubling divide
• let go of the burden, be at peace with us

holiness

• everything is holy, every man is an angel
• “earth is crammed with heaven, and every common bush burning, but only he who sees takes off his shoes.”

  -elizabeth barret browning

spend, but don’t waste

• have fun but don’t waste your time.

family planning

• do not ignore your family: they are your past, present, and future
• spend time with your little sister, take her out for ice cream

sing

• sing, love and learn to sing
• learn to harness your body for aesthetic reasons
• expose yourself to others in holy ways

on significance

• life is about every day.
• live in the day,
• don’t be searching for too much significance
• my life is the meaning

fatherly advice

• indecision is not the key flexibility
• you are your only limitation
• don’t give advice unless others ask for it
• don’t be afraid to ask
• be a wordsmith

my own two cents

• look up more often

i haven’t told really anyone that it is my birthday today on purpose. i guess i just don’t like others to feel pressured into doing stuff for me or getting a gift for me or what-not.

if you are one of those who would, however, feel offended if you didn’t get something for me, then this post is for you. in other words, i don’t expect anything, but if you want to get something, here is a list of things that i need/want right now and plan on getting for myself in the next few weeks if no one else beats me to it.

• subscription to the economist, or any other reputable news source
• money to pay for the bookshelf i just bought at ikea even though i didn’t really have money for it
• a long-sleeve white sunday shirt (i’m a 16 - 34/35 )
• money to buy college textbooks
• Advisory Committee by Mirah (music cd)
• t-shirt from DI or something like that
• a book
• a hug
• or doing that thing you have thought about doing for someone else but have just not got around to it yet.

so, this is basically the only things that come to mind and remember, i’m not expecting anything so don’t worry about it if you don’t get these or anything else.

church saves me and pushes me back on track.

hometeaching carries with it bounteous blessings.

conversations with a friend clear things up.

frustrations over miscommunications are discussed

progress made on a number of projects.

gifts given to help understand a vision.

conversation of joy over a group well formed.

dinner on the deck with candle lights

ice cream out of the carton and shovel spoons.

guitar solos and vocal duets, harmony.

broken strings bent into double flowers.

car rides and understanding glances.

glass portraits on mirrors.

a collection on the topic of the heart.

grandpa’s laughing over silly sister’s jokes.

looking at the clouds crossing the street.

‘i’m with andy’ on t-shirts.

szent wiki css style sheets.

stress relievers freeing me.

futon quilt of beautiful colors.

decision to give time to God.

comfort friends and foods.

half-way between sunday best and everyday rest.

a list of lovely memories.

a thought of getting out of the house to live deliberately, and not entirely indoors devoted to the proper placement of words and numbers for the desired end result of “a” written on someone else’s computer somewhere out there in the world of academia lead to a quick hop, skip, and a drive out to conquered (written concord) and walden’s pond (now affectionately famous for being thoreau’s pond).

I realized how long I have been away from actual forests and trees that grow naturally (as opposed to either in straight lines, or with constant watering, or not at all). all of my musings were smugly interrupted, however, as we turned into the parking lot by a sign announcing that the park closed at 8pm. at first i didn’t believe it. how does a lake close down at 8pm? and why? i didn’t think about this for too long though, being informed by a sign next to the one i was looking at that only added insult to injury, $5 parking fee. so promptly turning around we went in search of somewhere else to park but found none. everyone else had already thought of that and lots of signs made it clear that such “out of the box” thinking had long ago been out-lawed. the most natural of things seemed to be outlawed already. we turned around, resigned to the fate of paying $5 for an hour of parking by the pond and the thought of not actually getting to sit, talk, and read as we watched the sun set over the lake i only had heard about so far away so long ago.

down by the lake shore we saw a policeman in a patrol car, and still in something next to disbelief i went over to inquire about that sign i had seen. what did it mean, “the parking lot is closed at 8pm” i wondered. he answered my requests with a no-nonsense, “it means i lock the gate and tow whatever is left in there and fine ya’ too.” i explained that i was from out of town (which he could have easily guess by my lack of an accent and my silly questions) and then hurried off down the wire-fence lined path to the cabin that is no-more with signs reminding us to stay on the path as the shoreline is “protected”. ben thought that barbed wire would have been more effective with about the same look and suz talked about her first time skinny dipping (which happened to be here at walden pond). “it just seemed the perfect place to thoreau your cloths off and go for a swim” she said. i laughed. obviously she has been married to ben for a while now.

winding our way past path-walkers and interrupting couples we arrived at a pile of stones and a fenced in square, ten feet by fifteen feet. we were reminded by the far off sound of a speakerphone mounted on the top of the patrolman’s car that it was now 7:40pm and that the park would be closing in 20 minutes, we pulled out a camera and standing next to the sign declaring thoreau’s intent to “live deliberately” ben gave me his cell phone and suz gave me her watch and i posed for a photo. having achieved our purpose (or at least what would be allowed by law and order given the circumstances) we started thinking about heading back. before we did so we felt an obligation to read the sign describing why this place was important. it showed where luisa may alcott had brought a group of people to show them the location of the cabin as best she could remember. they all stood there and each tossed a rock in a pile to mark the spot. they were only 15 feet off, come to find out years later when someone found the remains of the chimney footings in the ground. so, to be true to this historical occurrence and the homage of later pilgrams we each found a pebble in the area and, reminiscent of the throwing of the stones in mecca, we each threw it from a distance onto the pile contained rocks with names painted, strached, chiseled, and burnt-in by lasers. there was even a cracked concrete brick with “i heart nature” on it. then we left, going back the way we came on a path trod many times before (this was not the one robert frost was thinking about, or if it was, than it has been trod many times since that autumn day when he wandered this way).

making puns along the way, we managed to get back to the parking lot in time for suz to go get the car and drive over to where we were looking at a replica of the hut we just saw and a life-size statue of the man himself. as we got into the car we saw the same patrolman from before drive up, lock the gate and stop a car on its way out. it was 8:03 and we were off to concord (pronounced conquered) to see emereson’s house and to eat dinner there (which, we realized, was humorously appropriate). we had bought some food at b.good in cambridge and were pretty hungry by now. emerson’s house was (although we didn’t really care or even expect it to be otherwise) closed. sitting on a rock wall across the street we ate and laughed not wanting to have visited conquered (written concord) without having seen the sights, we drove through town and out the other side, turned right onto a rock-wall lined side-road to the place where a gun went off and the shot was hear around the world, that is, the “north bridge” of concord (pronouced conquered) where the american revolution began. after a romantic walk in the fading light of the setting sun, we crossed a well-designed wooden bridge and saw not only the monuments on either side, but a grave to british soldiers who died there so long ago. we also saw william emerson’s (ralph waldo emerson’s father) house, and the place where emerson would write his essay entitled “nature.” it was most certainly a beautiful place, but it too was closing soon (at sunset, which gave us more time than at walden pond but not too much). we turned around and went back to town, parking the car next to the masonic temple and wandering the old city streets with recently refurbished shops and galleries. the ice cream parlor was also closed, so we jsut enjoyed each other’s company and the fresh air of the early summer’s evening.

we ate some ice cream when we got home and then talked about suz’s work for a while. all of this was not what i had initially anticipated when we set out, deliberately seeking something, but it most certainly was entertaining, ironic, and perhaps even educational. in other words, i enjoyed it.

nincs több időm éppen, de akartam valamit írni mért ma este sokat gondolkoztam vissza rátok. ha csak azt olvassátok, mit írok magyarul, talán nagyon szomorúnak tünek, ami nem teljes hamis. de ez azt is jelenti, hogy valahogyan boldog is vagyok. de most történik valami fantasztikus.

újra kezdtem az egyetemet, ami nagy lépés volt, de érzem, milyen jó számomra. és képzeljétek el, hogy nem csak úgy kezdtem újra, hogy valahol egy kis terembe megyek hallgatni egy professzort, hanem a nagy világban, kint, az ég alatt tanulok egy különleges nyári prográmban. ez tényleg annyira jó számomra, hogy hihetetlen.

ma est mentem egy barátomhoz, aki holnap ad egy koncertet (hegedőt játzik), és csoda szép volt.

de nézzétek meg a képeimet és majd többet írok, amikor csak tudok.

(itt van egy-két kép a “koncert”-től)