the german thought of wunder,
jaw-breaking pipes of lead.
when will the muddy waters clear?
when will we see clearly what lies ahead?
now we look through a glass darkly,
but then…. then we shall see face to face.
someday this will all make sense i hope.
to me you are missed.
sometimes i wonder if i can freeze time and stand it still, placing the memory in a clear glass vial with a cork.
beautiful moments and thank-you’s that i want to hold on to, and remember. i feel as though my life will not be one noticed and recognized by the accolade-awarding organizations of society, but that it will be one lived for the individual. for the person who needs someone, an imaginary friend. and the beautiful thing is that i need them too. i wonder if they will know how much i needed them too. i am not as good about saying thanks.
i remember being such a frustrated child. i didn’t know what it was that was wrong in the world. i didn’t know what it was that was wrong with me. i simply knew that things were out of place, and i wanted them to be right again. i still want them to be right again.
tears of joy and love and memories.
naught may endure but mutability, but i hold a hope in the hollow of my hands that the pieces of fallen stars will grow into constellations. constellations that tell stories of great and beautiful things that were. constellations that are prophecies of great and beautiful things yet to be.
shooting stars that leave the longest tails in the sky that you have ever seen.
i haven’t seen a shooting star recently, but i know that as long as i learn and relearn how to look up, i will see them, and see them in broad daylight. know that there is no need for embarrassment here. there never was, there never will be. we are two sides of the same coin. some have missed that connection, but that doesn’t change this piece of coinage.
i hope the splinter works its way out that i was unable to remove with knives and tweezers and finger-nail clippers.
i hope.
hope is a good thing. it is the best of things.
it lives in the best of company and is as fresh on any scene as the life-giving light from the sun after days and weeks of stormy weather.
i loved knowing what questions to ask. i didn’t even think about it. they just came as though i already knew the answers.
but thank you for telling me, and telling me in person. that means a lot.
degrees of separation. patterns. righteous desires. open-ended questions. settling down into near-by locals. searching for the divine. motherhood. fatherhood. childhood. hooded-hoodies.
life is beautiful. life is full. life is good. life is meant to be lived.
thank you for what was. thank you for what is. thank you for what will be.
it is not everyday you find a friend that can withstand the storms and the winters of change, of mutability.
below is a random sampling from my journal entries over the past few years to commemorate this momentous occasion.
so the question for my reader is this: how has your journal writing been going recently?
(and i ask this sincerely, not in any way wishing to compare; rather simply to encourage; but then you would have known that already, me thinks)
October.12.2008 — Provo, Utah
Today marks a record in my journal-keeping: 1,000 consecutive days!!!
I began the day before I entered the MTC in January of 2006 and have not missed a day since. I am currently on my 8th volume, with almost 1,200 pages of entries.
Volumes 1-6 cover my time in Hungary, serving as a missionary for the church. Volume 7 starts shortly after my return and mostly is about my summer travels and school, and now volume 8 begins with the 1st of September 2008 and should last through the New Year.
These pages cover the full range of emotions and experiences–having followed me into the gulches of Capitol Reef and the mountain lakes of the High Uintas. They have traveled over oceans and continents, from the East to West coasts. They have seen me through dark days and lonely weeks as well as in the midst of ecstasy and fulfillment.
May.04.2008 — Vernon, Utah
It was nice taking a sponge bath this morning, shaving and then getting dressed in slacks and a tie to go to church. It is hard to make as much of a distinction on Sundays out camping. So much of the normal every-day things revolved around basic survival–food preparation and clean-up, getting into gear and packing it back up, etc. We did, however, have a wonderful chance to conduct a number of oral histories today and go on a tour of Vernon.
Tomorrow I am the leader of the day. It will be the first day of a three-day trip up a canyon and so it was somewhat crazy tonight as everyone got all of their gear together to break camp early in the morning….
John Kovalenko and John Bennion’s nephew, Collin Mitchell, played something of a concert tonight, the one on the cello and other the violin. It was beautiful.
January.30.2008 — Debrecen, Hungary
A funny story and then a few words about a program:
So last night, at sometime around 12:30, I apparently deiced we need to say another prayer. (Elder Gafin related this to me this morning but I only vaguely remember it). I basically started just talking and woke Elder Gafin up as I kept asking him to say the prayer. He had a hard time making sense of it all at first, seeing how he was half-way asleep. So he asked me three times, “So do you want me to pray?” and each time I said yes. So he crawled out of his bed and said a prayer. After that I just went back to sleep and so, slightly confused but mostly tired, he did the same. We got a good laugh out of it this morning.
This evening we had a great program with Papp Sándor and Katalin. They were super nice. Kati had been to Utah with a folk-dance team and had been impressed by things she had learned and was very interested in the church, specifically in the Holy Temples. Sándor was also interested, especially in prophets and apostles and the fact that all this is done not for money or power.
July.07.2007 — Szeged, Hungary
Farkas Lajos was baptized today by Mari László. As Elder Ruggles said, “The Lord prepared him, a member found him, the Spirit taught him, and we got to watch.”
… Lajos is the first investigator that I have found (i.e. member referred), taught, and seen baptized all in one transfer. Tomorrow marks 28 days, as a matter of fact, since I first met him after church and scheduled with him.
Oh, and by the way, transfer calls come tomorrow morning.
April.13.2007 — Kazincbarcika, Hungary
This transfer, in all honesty, has probably been the one that has taken the longest for me to acclimate. It has taken the better part of the entire 1st transfer. This is most likely due to the fact that I have spend so much of my time elsewhere–but even then six weeks to get “settled” is a while.
I feel as though my stuff is still somewhat scattered–not quite all in its right place.
I have grown a lot in the past six weeks. Seeds sown long ago are taking, and have taken, root in me.
The investigators we have right now are really great as well. I am amazed at the depth of each one and their uniqueness of personality. From Koren Kornélia to Bolló Robert to Szabó Ferenc. They are all such individuals. I have really started to feel a friendship with each one.
November.13.2006 — Pécs, Hungary
Today was a good day, mostly because I just now talked with Lajos and found out that his day went really well, especially with his fasting. He is quitting smoking, which is not altogether an easy thing to do. The largest obstacle, however, most of the time seems to be the degree to which the individual desires to quit. Lajos wants to quit. He understands the importance of it and really wants to live a pure and clean Christian life.
We too are fasting with him today. We all began this afternoon and will finish tomorrow after District Meeting all together with a prayer and lunch and a lesson. Even though today is our Preparation Day Dieuri and I spent the afternoon watching over a less-active youth in the branch. His younger brother had a operation, for exactly what I never have quite understood, and so his mom is there at the hospital with him. She asked us to pick him up from school and so we did…
My family is doing well. I am doing well. Dieuri is doing well, and so it Lajos. I also made a list of everyone to whom I want to send Christmas card and I bought those today so I can get them off in time before the last-minute rush — especially since they have to travel a bit father than usual.
p.s. This will actually be my first Christmas away from home, and subsequently my first time sending Christmas cards.
June.18.2006 — Győr, Hungary
And thus passes another day in the life of Coy Elder. And a good day it was too.
Incidentally, today marks the 6 month mark from entering the MTC. How far I’ve come in time, space, and progress! And yet something ever so quietly whispers that the next 6 months will be all the more crucial and influential. This difference will be the result, I reason, from the shift in perspectives from inward to outward. To date I have been primarily focused on my own development–in the gospel and with Hungarian. The next six months will, however, be substantially different in this regard.
This morning was somewhat rough going, however–but the Book of Mormon to the rescue–and, more specifically, Alma 26:27. I needed it, to say the least. Saving souls is not to come without a price, to reference Elder Holland, … no, indeed it is not!
February.10.2006 — Provo, Utah
Today Andruska Testvér and Despain Testvér said no more than 15 words in English the entire day. We learned a lot. I think their not speaking English will be a big aid to us.
Other than that today was very similar to yesterday and the day before. I don’t have much to say.
I still have a lot to learn, here in particular and on the mission in general. I am progressing in my Book of Mormon in Magyar goal and have added a number of other Speak Your Language (SYL) goals.
Tomorrow is Preparation day and I am scheduled for a haircut. I guess we will see then how thin it is getting up on top sooner rather than later.